


Where does the light go?

by Trekgloria



Category: Poldark (TV 2015)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 10:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14714640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trekgloria/pseuds/Trekgloria
Summary: Demelza philosophically muses on her life several months after Ross goes to Elizabeth for that night in May.  She remembers their life and wonders about her future.Non sexual.Feedback always respected.  Seek to grow and improve.Appreciate any who read and those who enjoy, thank you!





	Where does the light go?

In a trice, with a single breath, the gloom enveloped her. As she stood there, Demelza wondered; Where does the light go? Strange reflections and contemplations haunted her tonight as she blew out the candle. Standing and waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, Demelza thought how the candle cast light to see by, even gave a small heat from the flame, but when you snuffed it out, the light was gone immediately, it did not fade slowly as the light from the sun did. This perplexed her, and she imagined the sun’s light was opposite from the candle. The sun’s light arrived before the sun rose, gradually blushing the sky with measured glow, and slowly gloaming into the night after it set each day, even the warmth of the sun on your skin faded slowly once it sank below the horizon. But, with a candle like magic the light was gone immediately, even the warmth from the flame quickly vanished. The candle had no power of its own, it had to be kindled by someone. Ross explained the sun was constant, but the earth turned away to bring the night for everything to rest, and for a time it shone on other lands. Given time it would return with its light and warmth, one only had to wait. So, the sun was always there even if you couldn’t see or feel it’s presence. That is how Demelza deemed love should be, always there whether seen or not. But the candle was temporary but for a space of time, used only by the people who needed light for a spell while the sun was gone, expendable, and easy to extinguish when the darkness ended and the sun returned. So where does the light go when you blow out the candle? And tonight, Demelza wondered where does the love go?  
Love, Demelza had believed was as constant as the sun, yet the love she had imagined tendered from Ross was in reality a gutted candle and her life now was lived in a darkness she had never before known. From the beginning Demelza had known and accepted that Ross loved Elizabeth, first, far longer, and even more. This realization was like a stinging nettle for Demelza, it took constant tending to avoid the pain it produced with just a casual brush against it. And Demelza as his servant, living at Nampara, knew the gossip about them before Ross went off to the war, believed dead, but like Lazarus returned from the grave only to find Elizabeth promised to Francis. Stoically Ross had accepted this situation and never tried to change her mind or prevent the marriage. Yet Demelza knew, a man or a woman breaking a promise to marry wasn’t something done easy for their kind. Still knowing Ross’ passions and determined disposition, this had always puzzled her to understand why. Ross, when conflicted, often flew in the face of his society’s accepted manners. But he was, no had been, an honorable man, no longer could Demelza hold Ross in such esteem. Yet Demelza saw that Ross did not pursue Elizabeth those years despite his continued adoration of her. That he would eventually find another and marry, Demelza had expected. Ross just needed to time to mourn and then find a new one to love, and Demelza supposed it would be a young lady from the local gentry. That Ross took years and continued to avoid even opportunities to mingle as a desirable bachelor in his society, reinforced her belief that he did still love Elizabeth, even without hope. Still in time Ross must heal, find a woman from his class and marry. That’s the way of these people she imagined. Or maybe one of those young ladies would decide on him, one with enough determination to lead him to her bed.  
During her first few years at Nampara, Demelza watched Ross throw himself into reclaiming the farm, cultivating the fields, and reestablishing the mine. Ross seemed a man lost unless at work, using his brute power to numb his desires. She knew such a life of being alone wasn’t good for him, but Demelza was his servant and had no right to give her opinion. And yet, seeing her in the kitchen working as Prudie and Jud drank and argued each night, Ross invited her to join him in the library for some peace and better light he said. At first these evenings did seem odd, but she busied herself with mending or shelling beans. And, after a space of time of evenings spent together, Ross would look at her and ask if she wanted to see the map or inquire about the house. Demelza eventually became comfortable with him and reckoned she understood his moods. When tired, he couldn’t focus and often called them all to go to bed. When vexed, he would walk about the room, unable to end the day till he settled what troubled him. Night after night, they spent hours together, she, learning his ways, his needs, what he’d be hungering for as she fixed his dinner, when to fetch a drink, and what he’d want, port or brandy. Demelza realized she had grown not only from a child, but to a woman who appreciated him. Ross was never easy, coiled ready to strike, a man who sometimes seemed unable to settle, lost at home, in his own domain. Yet with her, slowly he relaxed, accepted her, even asked for her opinion, about things. So, Demelza accepted and fulfilled whatever position Ross allowed, and the space within the defines of the house and garden was gradually entrusted to her to manage. She blossomed in the role of servant who was valued more as a helpmate than scullery maid, at least she had imagined the earned respect.  
Still, after that night when they first joined, and then Ross had chosen her to become his wife, to replace his pining for Elizabeth, had been a wondrous mystery, like a conjuring from the old ones. And in that moment, Demelza imagined that if she loved him enough, gave him all he fancied, he could come to love her. And eventually, Demelza had come to believe that Ross did love her, and that he only remembered he had once loved Elizabeth. When she’d told him, she was with child that year at Trenweth at Christmas, there just down the hall was Elizabeth, and still Ross told her he loved her. Then Demelza believed Ross did really love her.  
Turning towards the bed, tonight though, she wondered, had his love only been a passing lechery like the light of the candle, a pale imitation of the sun’s blazing glory, but when burnt to the end, was snuffed out and gone. Demelza thought over everything she’d done these months, nay years since they’d married. Where had she failed him? Did she not keep the house, help him in all things, love him, bear his children? Was it because she had brought the sickness that took Julia by tending Elizabeth’s family that Ross blamed her. Had he then realized he could not stop loving Elizabeth, fearing it could have been her that died and he now desired her still, more? Where did the love go? Ross’ love for Elizabeth, she now knew, had been like a long night without the sun, sure to return, but a candle was necessary to navigate till it did. Now she realized what she saw as his love for her was just a usefulness, a candle flame to push back the darkness a bit. Yet her love for Julia was as real and constant as when she’d held her, fed her, put her to bed. Though Julia had moved on from this place, like the sun, Demelza still knew she was there, beyond, just out of sight, but her memory was warm and glowing still. Demelza’s arms ached to hold her, but Julia remained in her heart, that love for her child was not dead.  
Why was she, his wife no longer in Ross’ heart? Had Ross yielded his honor for his true love for Elizabeth or only for his lustful desires? Had she been but like a candle, useful for a time to light the darkness he experienced when he gave up Elizabeth, but sure to burn out in time and exist no more. And thus, with a breath that night, the light was gone. Demelza turned, her eyes had adjusted to the inkiness of the room, she could see Jeremy asleep, too young to really understand that Papa no longer shared the room with them. She climbed into the bed, alone, Ross, just below, but to her mind, further away than where he’d sailed to for war. Yes, war, they were like two countries at war, so far away in beliefs, unable to surrender or continue to fight the defining battle, where one must win and one must loose. But Demelza wondered, once at war could any country win, wasn’t the cause still there, the chance, always the chance to resume the conflict.  
Demelza placed her hand on the pillow and smoothed the fabric where Ross laid his head and remembered all their times in this bed, from the first time he took her as a maid, not for love then, she knew that, but in a passion of need, yet she willingly gave herself to him. And later all those nights they joined, at first for Ross just the lust of a man for a woman, but for her it was love, always love. Later in this bed she bore first Julia, then Jeremy, their children, and even as she laid with the putrid throat, and her child dying without her. Julia, buried without a mother’s last caress, a mother’s last song, a mother’s last kiss. What this bed had represented to her, but now it was a barren wasteland where she held sway, but without hope.  
Ross had returned to Nampara in the morning, but not to her, and later Elizabeth had married George. Did Ross somehow assume Demelza must yield and accept that he had and did still love Elizabeth even though he could not take her for his wife? That Demelza would become the wife who sanctioned Ross as husband but conceded to his ongoing affair with Elizabeth. Perhaps Ross thought to spare Elizabeth the dishonor of being the cause of a divorce if he left his wife to marry her. Demelza knew not how divorces did come to pass but understood it would be an expense he could not meet and a certain scorn, more for Elizabeth who would also have to break her marriage with George now. Without an opportunity to divorce and marry, a discreet affair would allow Ross and Elizabeth to continue with their love, each secured in a marriage that protected them from the censure of society. Demelza supposed that she had served as but a candle for Ross, that flame might burn bright in a small space, but unlike the sun, it was destined to come to an end. Ross and Elizabeth’s love was like the sun, though their world had turned, putting them in darkness for a space, eventually it returned bringing light and warmth to fill their hearts. On that night, Ross and Elizabeth had finally experienced what had been forbidden for all those years and shared the loving and fulfillment of passion as man and wife. Demelza was too aware of what a single night spent in the arms of someone you love, desire, and hold in awe could mean. Surely this is what Ross had finally experienced, his years of desire, love, and denial fulfilled in a night spent loving Elizabeth. Ross and Elizabeth had finally consummated their desire, and nothing could undo that surrendering to passion and joining. Once engulfed in the light of that love, surely for them returning to a darkness was beyond enduring.  
Even in this room where so much had unfolded, lying in the darkness, the gloom left her feeling unmoored, afeard even. Her certainty and trust in Ross had gone out with the candle flame when he choose to go to Elizabeth. No light, no warmth; spent and gutted, nothing remained to rekindle. That is how her life seemed now; she was a shade, like the smoke that rose briefly when the candle was snuffed, who could haunt this world, unable to pass over, caught between the desires of Ross and Elizabeth, she had no future, she could only fade away. Every heartbeat since that night in May had been lived in a blinding pain.  
Ross coming with coin poured into her hand this night, asked a betrayal again of all she held sacred. An acceptance of his pieces of silver would mark her as Judas to accept his unfaithfulness. Their love tarnished like coins offered as payment for such a transgression; what their marriage had become, hard, cold, and blackened with Ross’ decision to satisfy his love for Elizabeth that night. Demelza could not imagine any sum she would suffer as payment for infidelity. She was not a working woman willing to be bought. Mayhap she had a pridefulness above her station, but she would not forsake her values for comfort and status. Demelza required little in life, money and possessions she understood what it meant to have or not, but her needs were scant. For her it was the love of Ross she desired not his fortune and status, just Ross’ love. As if wealth could ever be what she desired. But what did she want? Certainly not the money, it meant nothing to her. Could he give her back the past? Return to a time of love, trust, and respect shared with Ross? If not that life, then she wanted nothing.  
That she could not forgive Ross stemmed from two things, one he asked for no forgiveness, and she could not bestow what was not sought. And, perhaps more pride, but for all that Ross would defy his own society, stand between the weak and the brutish, had he not become cruel and forsaken her without cause? Ross the defender had become Ross the punisher. Ross’ behavior marked him as a member of the society he so often despised, viewing class as a way to determine who mattered and who did not. Perhaps that was why, even now, Ross was unable to deny his desire still for Elizabeth, choosing instead to live a lie, hiding behind a marriage he no longer valued or wanted. He would not demean Elizabeth with embarrassment, but had no hesitation to humble Demelza, keeping her only as the scullery maid he married. No remorse was offered, no regret, a simple belief he had made some minor transgression and need not redeem himself, instead Demelza was expected and must accept Ross’ behavior without his admission of fault or even remorse.  
Yet the time comes when a person realizes her life is hopeless and Demelza realized she must make a difficult decision. Her sense of faith was gone, she was dispirited and confused. She had slipped into a routine of Demelza, the mistress of Nampara, yet not the loved wife of Ross. This stalemate could continue, perhaps for years, for the rest of their lives. But even in her despair, Demelza realized she had not lost her love for Ross. It was Ross who had forfeited everything she held sacred for the light of his life, Elizabeth. Spurned Demelza had few options; to wait for Ross to decide if he would take Elizabeth to wife as he desired, remain the wife of a man who did not love her, or she could leave and find a life as a disposed wife, in reality little more than a working woman, and most importantly, without her son. Wife, wife, wife, that seemed her only role once wed, only how a man treated his wife determined how a wife would experience her life. Still Demelza realized she could remain benumbed, caught betwixt and between life or she must set out on a difficult and unfamiliar journey.  
As she mulled this fate, she heard a sound from below. Ross down in the library must have risen for some reason. For a moment she feared he would come to the bedroom and demand she allow him to return to his bed, to use her as a candle to ward off the darkness for a turn. Straining to hear if he was coming up the stairs, Demelza considered barring the door, he would never force it with Jeremy in the room and she would be safe from his using her. Or would she be safe from too easily accepting his demands and resuming a life lived as a lie, little more than a working woman who sold her body yet received no pay for her services, accepted the joining, serving as only a substitute to be used between the times Ross wanted and went to Elizabeth.  
And yet as she feared his arrival demanding his right to take his wife, somewhere in her heart she wanted to open the door, call to Ross, whisper yes as he would take her. That she was willing to betray herself, to again share the casual moments of life she craved, to stroke his curls, see him smile when she made him happy, hear his voice call her name in desire. To again have Ross in her arms, to feel how he took her with such passion, the way she felt when he kissed her, caressed her body, called her name as he entered her and filled her with his seed. That intimacy, that physical connection she still craved. Each time they loved, she longed for that moment to last forever. When Ross had joined with her, he seemed to truly be satisfied, there with her, not distant seeking the image of Elizabeth to satisfy him. But now Demelza wondered, for all she believed she knew Ross, had their life together only been a need to ease until he no more could deny his true feelings, and finally succumbed to his first desire, his first love, the woman he saw as perfect. She realized now, she had failed to understand such a love, such a passion till she too was denied it.  
Demelza strained to hear his footsteps with a bitter hope to see the wan light of the candle seep through the crack in the door to relight her life and know Ross had come for her finally. In this blackness of an unending night her life had become, Demelza feared she would accept even a small stub of candle to light her way. Moments, minutes passed, and she realized he was not coming for her. His movement below was for some other desire. Had he even left the house and gone to meet Elizabeth? She thought of the risk they would take; for Elizabeth to rise from her bed with George and slip away to meet and love Ross. Even Elizabeth would not be so reckless, or would she? Demelza imagined if it was she who loved Ross and he her, but separated, what would she jeopardize to be with him? Desire was a powerful motive, one she had only known with Ross. But, she knew he had always had a previous desire for Elizabeth, one that eventually he had indulged.  
These months since that night in May, Demelza had withdrawn and separated from Ross, but the ache for him was a longing she endured, a craving she needed, but repressed. She thought for a moment, what it was for her father to give up drink, but he had found a replacement to slake his urge, Demelza had nothing to replace hers and kept it in a dark place hoping to extinguish it by denying it’s presence. That love which had warmed her heart, her soul, and given her children, had not been the sun, just a wan imitation of light and warmth, but too soon spent. Lying in the bed alone, Demelza agin wondered, where does the love go?


End file.
